with · all · your · heart, · mind · and · soul

well. idk what to say. i just finished watching ER and i cried. i feel stupid for crying... because i mean it's a tv show but it was so sad. INCREDIBLY sad. it was about dr. greene dying. and then i started thinking about life. and if i died right now would i be happy with everything ive done... everything ive said. i know this is pretty deep for live journal haha. i don't think i ever realized when i was sick that i could have died, or if i had waited any longer to get treatment that i could have died. i was so calm and i now that i look back i have no clue what made me feel like everything was going to be ok. i want to do great things. make a difference in the world. i've always thought that when i get older im going to do my best not to care how much money i make. because those materialistic things don't matter. with thinking about this and my cousins possibly moving soon it made me realize that loving your family and spending time with them is all you need. another reason i'm sad is because of the cousin thing. to let you in on it.... i have 3 cousins, 2 four year old twin girls and an almost 7 year old boy. they are like brothers and sisters to me beacuse they live like 2 min. down the road and i see them or talk to them practically everyday. i was talking to my aunt the other night and she is more than 90 something percent that my uncle is going to get this job in alabama.. more than 12 hours away. 2 minutes and 12 hours is a big difference. and if they move away im going to miss them terribly. i don't want them to move at all. they've talked about moving for a long time and i always said i would chain myself to their car if they tried to move because it thought it would never happen. it's not like im never going to see them again.. im just going to miss having them there. another one of my best friends is moving... an hour away. which isn't too bad, i'm going to miss her going to east. but yeah it just seems like everyone is leaving lately. maybe im just feeling sorry for myself blah blah blah. i rant.

i just woke up & i'm not really doing much of anything so that is why i'm writing in this. this weekend was great. first i went on the latin club convention and we won first place in spirit both times, and i've found out that spirit is the funnest thing alive! it's the only time you can scream & chant as loud as you can and get a prize for it. the JCL was also at unc chapel hill and i loooovvveee that place. i really hope i go to college there. seeing it just made me wanna go there even more. the best parts about yesterday was running though the pouring rain and getting soaking wet and the DATE AUCTION! haha i had never been to one before and i didn't know what to expect but it was soooo funny. props to all of you that did it. you made me laugh non stop.
ive also come the the conclusion that it is just great to be yourself. ive been noticing lately a lot of people that try to act a certain way and hang out with certain people because it's the "cool" thing to do and to me that's really sad. if i did that i would feel so trapped and there is no way anyone can enjoy life when they act like that. anyways... yesterday was earth day! so happy late earth day.

people are pretty much pieces of shit. and i give up on them and friends. the only person i really like right now is lauren (and a select few). she is there for me no matter what. unlike a lot of people who i thought would be. i'm nice to people and they just walk all over me... maybe i should stop being nice and just be a bitch and they wouldn't walk all over me. i don't hate anyone but right now there is really no one i like. i HATE when people talk about other people or backstab you or are freakin' TWO FACED.i especially hate when people act FAKE. or different when they are around other people... just be yourselves because WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK!!! i don't. and neither should you. please... just get over yourselves. who said you were so great anyways? SCREW YOU

man i feel a lot better after getting all of that out.

mmk so i just got done watching oprah and it was a rerun ... i've seen it before, but anyways it still got me real fired up even after seeing it for the second time. it was about poverty in america.. and how over half of america is at or below the poverty line, america is one of the richest countries in the world too... so it's like our dirty little secret. but yes it makes me so mad hearing those stories about single moms who's husbands left them high and dry with nothing and then them starving because they have no way to get back on their feet. look at the national budget and how much debt america is in because of the war in iraq. we are trying to help those people, which im all for, but shouldn't we help our own country first? there are people HERE in your own country president bush that in the year 2006 don't have running water and there are cities that don't even have medical facilities relatively near by. over half of america is poor .. no jobs. it also makes me mad when right wing republicans say that they don't want anymore wellfare because "people just need to get off their ass and find a job!" ok let's put you in that situation mr. rich politician and see how far you get. there was a little girl on the show and her whole family was living in a shelter. they asked them how they got there... because they hadn't been poor all their life, and the parents reply was that they had made some bad money managing choices and i felt so bad for this little girl because she was crying because people at her school look down on her because she doesn't have the "right clothes" and none of this was her fault. she was born into the family she was born into.. she didn't choose this life. ok republicans who don't want food stamps. ok republicans who don't like welfare let's not think about those people that are lazy and take advantage of the government let's think of the 40 some percent of single moms who are just trying to get by and feed their children. everyone makes mistakes... a sin is a sin whether it's lieing or making bad decisions. on a different note i was just thinking about how much i can't wait until im a doctor and i get to help people. i'm really considering working for habitat for humanity when i turn 18. i think it would be an awesome experiance. this is what im passionate about... people. i can't wait to get out in the world and help people and work with them...
watching that show made me realize how much people take for granted. how we shouldn't judge people because of the clothes they wear. and how we should just be thankful for everything God has given us. i feel very blessed even though i don't consider myself rich. i just feel content

to me accomplishment isn't where i live.. what kind of clothes i wear or how much money i have. to me it's firstly my realtionship with God, what i've done to change or make a difference in other people's lives, and compassion. i'll be honest i love clothes and having stuff, i'm not perfect. but i try and remind myself that those things don't matter in life... that they aren't what's important.

i'm sorry if this offended you. i made some generalizations about people, mainly republicans, but this is my opinion. i don't care if you agree with me or not, it's just what i think and how i feel. so im not apologizing for that.

im exhausted.. but today was a good one

people can be so ignorant and i hate it. the thing that im talking about is racist people. i mean i don't dislike people because they are racist.. i just think they are ignorant. i don't understand how anyone can be racist. what matters is what is on the inside b/c skin is just a shell for the soul. you wouldn't want to be judged for what you look like. i know these two girls that are white, and a black guy likes both of them, and their families are just like ehh idk about you dating a black guy. WHY NOT. it shouldn't matter, that's like saying hmm i wouldn't want you to date a guy with blue eyes. ugh i just don't get it. let's erase all of these stereotypes and look at a person for who they are and not what they look like or what one "assumes" about them because of their skin color. that reminds me of that saying.. assuming makes and ASS out of U and ME. it's so true. so yea other than those two ignorant people.. today was a great day : ]

well the past few days have been pretty much miserable excluding my friends because they made it better. im such an awful procrastinator and my new goal should be to stop that b/c that has just killed me over the past couple days. I only got three hours of sleepp wednesday night because i was reading all of to kill a mockingbird which was due the next day, and then i got yelled at because i didn't do my other homework. and then last night i stayed up till 1230 doing my biology project blah blah blah, but through all of this there is just another example of why i have the best sister in the whole universe. i was freaking out about getting my english project done where i had to paint two canvases, and she was like don't worry by the time you wake up in the morning they will be done. of course she was tired from working all day but she still stayed up till about 130 in the morning painting for me. just so i could finally get some sleep. gah i love her! haha. but yea. it's just like everything was due at once and i finally realized that i had to do it. there's just too much the freakin teachers put on us. i wish east was a block schedule, but im seriously considering just taking easy classes next year and getting a's with no problem but that's kinda lazy. yea so ive been really lazy anyway lately and i need to stop that. i just need to do it and get it over with! yes yes ok so i gotta go get ready for schoool!! ugh. at least it's friday

ok so i never really remember my dreams, but last night i did and it was so weird. it was like my whole life was a paiting, like on a canvas in 2D. then i joined hands with someone in my dream, but i couldn't see their face... i kinda want to know who it was in my dream, but that may not even be anything important. i looked it up in my dream dictionary and it said the painting symbolized the need for me to express my self creatively, but i don't really see where that fits into my life. and it said that joined hands represents affection, but i don't really see that either. none of that really applies to my life, but who knows it may in the future. i just thought it was weird. oh well

sooo yea i haven't written in here for a while. that's mostly because i went skiing over the weekend with church and homework school all that ish. well skiing was sooo much fun, random, crazy, you name it. i found out that im not very coordinated. and learning to ski also involves a lot of frustration. i wanted to quit so bad, but then rebecca and elizabeth taught me and i didn't give up so it was all good. i still fell down a lot but that was actually pretty fun. haha esp. sliding down the run on my butt when becca's glove got caught in my ski. i have no clue how that happened but who knows. im still kinda sore, and just blah you know? in a way i wish i could have stayed in west virginia. there was no stress there and i was with some of my favorite people. im not liking school right now there is just too much to do and i don't feel free at all, i feel burdened with due dates and schedules and to-do lists. being free is something that i want more than anything. i feel like just going and laying on the beach in the warm sun and closing my eyes with no worries, no people (because sometimes people just add the confusion.. wait make that most of the time) that would be great. to just lay on the sand and just BE. i feel kinda empty like everyday is a routine, the same old thing every day that is except for last weekend. in a way im looking forward to tomorrow and in ways im not. tomorrow is ash wednesday, and that means the season of lent (in the methodist and catholic church the 40 days before easter... just in case you were wondering). every year i give up something, and i think this year im going to give up sweets b/c that's what i love most. haha. people think im crazy for giving stuff like that up when i don't have to. but i look at it as Jesus gave up so much for me and it helps to remind me of Him. & i also think that it has it's own weird ways of helping your life. like last year i gave up ketchup b/c i used to use ketchup on everything. i used to have acid reflux but now i don't because i don't have ketchup anymore.. it's like it was meant to be. haha that sounds kinda weird but it's sooo true. gah im procrastinating so bad right now. i better go do some research. peace & much love to everyone out there.

wow some days are just so random and crazy and i love it. i love that feeling you get when you are laughing so hard that your stomach hurts and you have tears rolling down your face. that's the kind of day today was and it was great. i think that laughing is one of the greatest feelings in the world... that may be a little exagerated and dramatic but it's true. i laughed so hard today when me and kelsey when through the door at the same time and then i kept walking like nothing happened and then the door to the old gym swung back and hit kelsey in the head. hahahaha and the next thing i heard was like a klunk. hahahaha. im still laughing. i guess it was a had to be there kind of thing. it's crazy how one moment you can be really pissed off and then like a second later someone says something that makes you smile and it seems to brighten your whole day... and you just forget about whatever it was that you were so mad about.

ok so it's one o'clock and i can't go to sleep. i always have so much on my mind, so i'm just going to get it all out. sometimes i wonder... i used to always think that everything happened for a reason, and i still do just not as much. I used to know exactly what i wanted to do with my life, but now im not so sure. There is so much i want to do and places i want to go but it all seems out of reach. Like im never going to get to where i want to go. sometimes things just seems like a dream that will fade away over time. My focus in my life has changed, i don't know what i want to do anymore. when i was in the hospital i will never forget telling my mom to make sure that i was a nurse so that i could help people and comfort them like the nurses comforted me and my family when i found out i was sick. i wanted so bad to do that. then eventually that whole idea has changed... now i'm thinking about a doctor that puts you to sleep... where is the comfort in that? i want to know what the future holds for me. people... people are really confusing when you think about it. do you ever really know a person? what they are thinking... or is it all just an act? i believe in soul mates, but how will you ever know if you've found them? there's so many questions, and ill probably never know that answers to them. ha. i'm making no sense. i need sleep.